UNSHAVEN ISOLATION

I could post my most influential albums over the years but everyone is doing that on Facebook.  A lot of musicians are offering live concerts to keep us entertained during this freak show but it just isn’t the same as going to a club or festival where you are in a throng of people who are all energized by the music; dancing and jumping with excitement where electricity is in the air;  instead it’s the smell of recently fried bacon, grilled cheese and farts while you are reclined on your sinking couch.   I watched amateurs offering up karaoke versions of their favourite songs.   This has led me to believe that everyone in the world has an ‘effing brilliant voice.  A wealth of untapped talent.  People who are too afraid to perform in front of a live audience; have jobs; kids, or simply shelved their dreams, are suddenly hosting live stream concerts, within the comforts of their own home, and are knocking it out of the park.  Of course, not everyone is brilliant, but I do enjoy seeing a middle-aged man belting out Tom Jones in his basement under a disco ball.  Now that is entertainment.   

People are also constantly going outside and plugging in guitars to entertain their neighbors with the one riff they know; the intro to “A Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin.  I’m threatening to go sit out on my porch and play the spoons; unaccompanied for a few hours; over a speaker. 

Fortunately for me, I live in the country so I am not sandwiched in by idiots who don’t understand the meaning of social distancing.  It drives me nuts at the grocery store when someone enters my space ,during normal times , but it is dangerous right now, especially for them, and I’m not talking about the virus.  It is  because I took self defense 35 years ago.  I think you get my meaning.  Hands like fire… or was it concrete… anyway, I’m not someone to be crossed during an epidemic. 

I think the worst part of all of this is the boredom.  I have watched all of Netflix and I’m making my way through Amazon Prime and Crave.  My friends and I have done the Zoom meetings where we all drink fancy cocktails and pass out on our computers before the session ends.  I’ve also done the family Zoom get togethers, where we haven’t quite figured out the talking one at a time thing, and I am always transfixed on how hideous I look. 

Moving on to my hair.  I was delusional thinking my natural hair colour was blonde.  My natural hair colour is apparently grey.   I’ve been sporting red hair for a couple of years now and, it’s a tough one to maintain, especially during a lock down, thus letting my hair grow out is a bit of a luxury.  I don’t have that beautiful white or silver root-age, mine is more of the squeezed out Brillo Pad variety.  Part of me is gleeful to bring it on because my partner is now sporting a full grey beard.  He has the Covid play-offs beard and refuses to shave it.  So my revenge is to gradually turn into my mother.  I will, however, draw the line at the tight pin-curled perm that she embraced. On the beard/moustache front, I am determined to not pluck my facial hair in an effort to see who can grow a full on Burt Reynolds before this is over.

And lastly, moving onto drinking and eating.  When we first went into isolation I was determined to make a different cocktail every night.  I was doing so well I gave myself heart burn, waking up each night like a fire breathing dragon.  I decided I should switch to wine but when we started demolishing the king-size party bottle every night I knew we needed to take a break.  So, we switched to beer, and ,after a week and a half, I could no longer get my pants zipped up.   

I’m now comfortable in sleepwear all day long, but sometimes, I change to loungewear, which is fancier, but still stretchy.  A few days ago, I succumbed to the realization that “drying out” is probably a good idea and eating like I’m at a baseball game every night should also stop.

I’m moving into my Covid healthy phase which means eating veggies and clean meat and low sugar. If I can just get through one day. I have to quiet the voice in my head that says, “Who gives a shit, nobody is going to see you for months! Pass the bloody chips and that pitcher of Brown Cows!!”

Soon the weather will become warm enough to put in my garden and set up my pool and both of these things are obsessing my thoughts.    One gives me a return on my hard work with fresh vegetables, and the other satisfies my need to float.

I hope you are all managing in isolation and I know that mental health plays a large part in getting  through this bizarre futuristic science fiction bullshit.  Try not to lose your sense of humour and stay connected with people in any way you can.  There will come a day when you are hugging someone and thinking, “Deodorant might be a good idea.”

Stay safe everyone.  Big virtual hugs.  Thanks for reading.

xo